2:19am 

Everyday, I am hurting

Everyday I am thinking

Thinking

Thinking

Thinking about you

Every second

Of every day

Every waking minute, and even in my dreams, you are there

Nights like tonight, I am in pain

Because I’m convinced that you are my soulmate but I don’t think I am yours

Everyday when I wake in the morning I think of you first

and then I wonder if today will be the day when you wake up and think of me first thing too

Last night I smoked a blunt and got to thinking

As I do every night

Think think think

smoke

think think

smoke

think

smoke smoke smoke

Last night I smoked a blunt and got to thinking

I got to thinking about you

And your ways

And the signs you once threw my way that I ignored

And now I’m ignored

By you

Or better yet were “friends”

Even worse than being ignored

Friends who talk about a lot of things including the women you fuck and the crazy shit you do

even though I wanna be the woman you fuck and the crazy shit you do

Ultimately, I wanna be yours

And I’ve been waiting for some time

But I just don’t know how much longer I can wait

Maybe it’s time to move on

After all, you clearly have.

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Unspoken thoughts

There are so many things that I think and I don’t speak. To those who know me this might come as a surprise. I’m a talker. I talk talk talk all the time. But just because I talk all the time, doesn’t mean I don’t have thoughts that I don’t share. It is true that I share a lot, but there is so much of me to share that it is impossible to think that I say all that goes through my mind. A lot of the time when I am talking, I am joking. I’m always clowning around. But I also love talking about serious things. However, often times when I bring up a topic that is serious, deep, and/or meaningful I feel stupid. I am not sure if it is because I am unsure of my ideas, or because I am unsure of how they are received and that scares me.

The funny part is that most people can’t tell that I struggle with my words. I struggle daily, to say the things that I want to say. I hold back so much whether that be in the classroom, in my relationships and friendships, at my workplace, and even at home. Maybe it’s because of the way that us youngsters are taught that our words don’t matter and silence our opinions. In schools we are repeatedly given outlines for our writing with strict guidelines that make it impossible to explore ourselves and our thoughts through writing. In the home place many of us are made to feel that because we are young and “inexperienced” our ideas and words lack value.  It’s exhausting to keep my thoughts locked up in my head, and I’m hoping that this can be the perfect place to unleash my inner thoughts.